| Happy Birthday To Me!! |
[Apr. 24th, 2006|01:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  loved | ] |
Another year and another chance to celebrate my coming into this world. And another chance to contemplate my life and how far I've come.
Two years ago I was a walking zombie that was just going through the motions. While I did have extremely good friends, they weren't allowed to get too close because of who I was with. A year ago I was still in the process of getting my life back together. I don't even remember my birthday last year.
This year, however, I was shown just how much I'm loved. My dear friend threw a surprise party for me. There were *soo* many people there! And every one of them was there because they love me. They're allowed to get close, and they are. They're allowed to joke with me in a somewhat flirtatious way, and they do. I am surrounded by so many people that care about me. Most of the people there have adopted me as the little sister. I have so many big brothers and sisters running around that the last thing I have to worry about is ever going through something alone again. That is such a wonderful feeling. I truly have come so far. |
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| Sometimes you just gotta wonder... |
[Mar. 25th, 2006|07:38 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Bagpipes | ] |
Recent events and subsequent comments to those events from both friends here as well as IRL has started the question running through my mind : What does it mean to "be there" for someone? I realize the goal is to make whatever situation that person is going through to be better, but one way or the other that person still has to face that situation. While I was in Texas, my mother was always willing to listen and lend whatever she could to help, but when all was said and done, I'm still the one that had to make the hard decision and then follow through with those decisions. What Mom said and did had absolutely nothing to do with that. You can't live the other persons life for them. I mean, seriously. If all the other person needs is someone to listen to them, their pet or garden or even their god can do that.
What is it about talking to a friend that suddenly makes you feel better and that this is something you can accomplish or get through? Are we, as a species, so narcisistic that all we want is to attempt to make the other person believe that our problems and life is more important than theirs? Or, possibly worse, attempting to get as much pitty as possible? Surly it's not as simple as just having another person attempt to understand your situation. If listening and understanding is all there is to "being there" for someone, why is it that only one or two people in our lives are able to carry that responsibilty? It's such a simple thing to do. How can something so simple be all there is to "being there?"
AND THE HARDEST QUESTION OF ALL :
If indeed that is all there is to it and it's so simple, why do so many people have such difficulity with it? |
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| Perfect Quote |
[Nov. 19th, 2005|09:41 pm] |
Like all great stories, the reader must take what they choose.
One ship sails East,
And another West,
By the self-same winds that blow,
Tis the set of the sails
And not the gales,
That tells the way we go.
Like the winds of the sea
Are the waves of time,
As we journey along through life,
Tis the set of the soul,
That determines the goal,
And not the calm or the strife.
~Ella Wheeler Wilcox |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 21st, 2005|10:12 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  disappointed | ] |
Well, ladies and gents, I realize it has been quite a while since I’ve updated so I’ll start from the beginning . . . or thereabouts.
( Have a Story )
So in short, I had a nervous break down about 2 months after having the happiest day of my Kansas life. I keep hearing 2 quotes in my head… The first is from Spider-Man 2 “…sometimes we have to be steady, and give up the thing we want the most. Even our dreams.” The other is from What Dreams May Come “Sometimes when you win, you lose.” I suppose the next thing to do is wait and see how the application for the apartment turns out and get on with my life. I might not be on a department right now, but one can always dream. |
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| I'm still alive! I promise! |
[Aug. 6th, 2005|02:37 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  busy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Ode to Dryer | ] |
Wow! I actually have a few seconds to get online! Quick update:
The guy I told you about from middle school really hasn't changed and I'm currently playing megga bitch with him. Some guys just don't understand when "back off" really does mean "back off." Oh well. He seems to be getting the hint now.
Work is going good. I've got all my benefits set up and I'm putting my nose to the perverbial stone to try and get to the department that I want to be in. It'll take some work, but that's okay.
I'm finally on medication for my ADD. For those of you saying to yourself right now : "Oh! You didn't seem hyper to me," there is a big difference between ADHD and ADD. Now that I have that under control, I noticed I'm not allowing myself to be the door mat any more. I'm actually speaking my mind when I feel it's needed and I'm getting some much needed respect instead of being pushed around. It's quite nice.
Fire department is going good. I'm currently going through Fire Fighter 1 class which is where the majority of my time has been lately. I've been either studying or going to class all the time.
I'm still looking for a place to move to, but hopefully that search will be ending soon.
More to come at a later date! |
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| Tourettes anyone? |
[Jun. 17th, 2005|09:23 pm] |
Well, everything turned out okay with Dad. He should be out of ICU by tomorrow and home by mid next week. So that's going pretty well. My mom and sister saw him in ICU (I decided not to see him tonight after I saw him wheeled into his room because I figured he needed his rest) and they said that he'd randomly holler profanities. I didn't even know the man knew those words, let alone was capable of yelling them! So that was a bit of humor. Those poor nurses are going to earn their paychecks tonight with him, I have a feeling.
Well, it's been an exahusting day of waiting so I'm off to bed. |
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| What's the price of Dreams? |
[Jun. 13th, 2005|10:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | M*A*S*H | ] |
"How will I know I'm ready for another relationship? Will I always compare every guy I meet with [my ex]?"
These were the questions I asked a dear friend tonight and decided I needed to expand on them to myself for a bit.
If I do compare for the rest of my life, that's unbelievably unfair to every guy I meet. He did have some good qualities or else I would never have fallen for him in the first place. Every time someone shows similar qualities, he automatically becomes a walking twin of him for fear of getting into to the same situation I was in. At the same time, if I don't compare then I've learned absolutely nothing and I'm just begging to have the same thing happen again.
Sometimes, when you win, you lose. |
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| When it rains it pours! |
[Jun. 10th, 2005|09:39 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  excited | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Who's Line is it Anyway? | ] |
I must be brief due to incoming storms, but yesterday I became perminant at work, became the newest member at the fire deparment, and ran into an old friend that I went to school with here before I left. He's picking me up tomorrow night to play catch up. A lot has changed in 10 years, especially him. The months that follow shall prove to be very interesting indeed. |
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| And the roller coaster comes to an end... for now |
[Jun. 4th, 2005|11:39 pm] |
|
I'm not real sure what happened, honestly. I was feeling rather blah all day and I come here to vent and get it out then decide to read some older entries. I read my entry of my 1 year aniversery and Poof! everything is better. Yes, I've moved 13 times in 2 years (and you thought *you* moved a lot, Marius) but I'm a better person because of it. I guess that just goes to show you that sometimes the words you need the most come from within. Though, the external help has been greatly appriciated and equily needed and I thank you. |
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| I didn't realize I'd gone to a theme park... |
[Jun. 4th, 2005|12:42 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Rain | ] |
Working in a call center is much like working in retail in that you have busy days and you have slow days. Typically, Mondays we're slammed and it starts trickling off as the week progresses and Friday's we have a minute if not more between calls. Not today. Between being frustrated about getting my offer and a change in the way some people bill us that went into effect today, I was about ready to pull my hair out. Then about 3:00 today, I was extended an offer which includes a $2 raise. I'm all happy and excited, then the phones died down finally and I get to reading all the paper work required to process everything and it asks for my addresses from the last 7 years. For those of you who are new to the life of me, there's quite a few. Not only do I not remember most of the numbers to the places I lived, that requires me going down memory lane. That's always fun, let me tell ya.
Then after work I went to the fire department and talked to a friend of mine for a while which was neither good nor bad (at least by compairison). My friend called while I was there and I went to his house for a while and things were going quite well. We were having a good time until I did something horrendusly stupid. I had to go and ask a question about his past. It was a touchy subject and I knew it but for some reason I couldn't bite my tongue and went ahead and asked. I care about him and I went and hurt him. While it was by no way intentional, I still should have known better. And now I get to beat myself up over it for the rest of the weekend while I try and figure out how long we were in each place before we got kicked out.
So my day was a rather large roller coaster. On top of all that, the realization of how quickly everything is happening has started to sink in. Dad's surgery is in 2 weeks, I'll be moving out within 2 months, I'll be on a fire department again in less than a week, I still have things to get for when I do move out. There's just so much going on that I don't know if I can keep up with it all. Looks like I'll be hitting Target tomorrow. Err... today. Yea... I think it's time for bed now. |
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| Happy Anniversery! |
[May. 30th, 2005|10:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Enya - The Memory of Trees album | ] |
It has been 1 year and 3 days since my ex and I broke up and while it still took me til labor day to be able to leave, I'm still feeling rather contemplative at the moment. The 3 months that followed were quite possibly the worst of it all but at the same time they were the most educational. I know I had a safe place to turn, but I was never allowed to utilize that option so I was pretty well on my own. That alone was quite an eye opener. A couple of times I was able to get away long enough to vent to one of my Captains, but for the most part I learned just how incredibly strong I am. I can deal with a lot. My friend on the "inside" was a great comfort because in the back of my mind I always knew that, gods forbid, should something go terribly wrong, he'd be there to do what he could, but there was very little that he could do about the way my ex treated me considering the worst treatment was when no one was around.
Though, I've come to the realization recently that it's not a matter of getting through the hard times; the sun will come up every day weather you're ready for it to or not. The true test of strength is how you handle life after the hard days have passed. My life may be "on the edge of a knife" in that everything is at the 'almost' stage, but I've managed to 1) survive an abusive relationship and 2) not let the memories of that relationship hold me back. Yes, I'm in a holding pattern with nearly every aspect of my life but I've still come so far. I'm hoping that in just a few months all my planning will have paid off and I'll be on my own with a department to call home and a wonderful company to go to every Monday morning. A year ago that wasn't even a possibility. Now, all I have to do is be patient and it will happen. What a wonderful feeling!
The other thing I've learned is to trust your friends. While I may still have problems with believing stories that people tell me, I know that I can count on my friends whenever I need them. I've discovered that I'm the type of person that people decide needs protecting. I'm constantly becoming someone's little sister. I've learned to trust that and not to question it.
Like I told my grandmother the other day, life is fun again. And I sure as hell plan on having as much fun as I can. Life's too short to be taken too seriously. While some situations do require a certain amount of maturity, everything has an element of fun. The trick is finding it.
So, my friends, go smell the flowers, watch a sunrise, and have fun!! |
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| Quiz snatching |
[May. 29th, 2005|12:48 am] |
Even though there's only two of you that visit me, I'll still follow sute and screen all responses first.
1. Have we kissed?:
2. Do you want to?:
3. What would you like our relationship to be?:
4. Have we dated?:
5. Did you like it?:
6. Do you want to date?:
7. Are we close friends?:
8. Would you be here if I needed you?:
9. Are you attracted to me?:
10. Mentally, sexually, or both?:
11. Do you love me?:
Appearance
Do you like my-
12. Face?:
13. Eyes?:
14. Lips?:
15. Body?:
16. Arms?:
17. Legs?:
18. Clothes?:
19. Ass?:
20. Hands?:
21. Hair?:
Do think I'm-
22. Sexy?:
23. Beautiful?:
24. Hot?:
25. Cute?:
Personality
Do you think I'm-
26. Crazy?:
27. Nice?:
28. Fun to be around?:
29. Funny?:
30. Annoying?:
Would you..
31. Share chocolate with me?:
32. Spend a weekend with me?:
33. Alone?:
34. Hook up with me?:
35. Have sex with me?:
36. Care if I ran away?:
37. Care if I died?:
38. Miss me if I left?:
39. Hang out with me?:
What would you do if..
40. I kissed you?:
41. You found out I was missing?:
42. You found out I was in the hospital?:
43. You found out I was dead?:
44. I cried?:
45. I asked you for help?:
46. I told you I loved you?:
47. I told you I hated you?:
48. Someone told you I wanted you to kiss me?:
49. Someone told you I had a crush on you?:
In the last week have you..
50. Wanted to kiss me?:
51. Wanted to see me?:
52. Wanted to have sex with me?:
53. Wanted to tell me you loved me?:
54. Wanted to spend alone time with me?
55. Wanted to get to know me better?:
56. Thought about me?:
57. Missed me?:
58. Wanted me?:
59. Seen me?:
60. Kissed me?:
Have I..
61. Kissed you?
62. Hugged you?
63. Told you I loved you?:
64. Made you happy?:
65. Made you sad?:
66. Made you angry?:
67. Made you feel better if you were upset?:
Are you..
68. Happy you know me?:
69. Going to post this so I can answer them for you? |
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| Two weeks in a row! |
[May. 29th, 2005|12:22 am] |
Surprise! Two weeks in a row! Maybe I'll be able to do this a little more often... I've gotten my own dialup service now so hopefully by using that with my laptop I'll be around a bit more. I'm currently working on downloading a program to let me chat with everyone, but like I said... it's dial-up. And now it's time to spill my heart out because the longer the sun's been down the lower my sprits tend to be and tonight is no exception.
My dad is having surgery on June 17th and I'm a bit nervous about it. He's been acting strange lately; almost like he's making his last goodbyes. He's actually been playful and talkative and social with us. Hell, just Friday he asked if I wanted to go to lunch with him on my lunch break. Anyone who knows my dad knows how abnormal that is for him. I'm going to have to be the strong one for Mom, but I don't know how strong I'm going to be able to be. My friends are moving that same day and I offered to clean their old house the following week for a few hours a day just to give me a chance to get away from everything. I have nowhere safe to cry. They're going to be too busy with the move to have time to worry about me; crying at the house is off limits for obvious reason; no way in hell am I crying at the station; and I'm not comfortable enough with my other friends to lean and depend on like that. I know I had the strength at one point to handle this without needing to cry, but I don't know how much of that strength remains. I suppose I'll get through; I always do.
I figured out why I'm boarder line anorexic. It all stems from my ADD. I have the facts and evidence, but I don't feel like justifying myself at the moment so you'll just have to trust me. I'm hoping that once I get medical insurance it will have damn good mental health coverage so I can finally get back on the meds to ease some of this frustration. I feel like I'm walking around in a fog or a haze. The hard part is going to be proving to someone else that I have it. One of the symptoms of ADD is the inability to put thoughts or feelings into words and yet I'm going to be expected to explain to some shrink why I feel I still have it and how I feel as a result of it to be put on the right meds. That's like asking a Deaf person to speak a foreign language. It just doesn't work on the first try.
There's a lot more swimming around my head right now, but I can't quite find the words for it all. Besides, once the sun comes back up I'll feel much better again. G'night! |
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| Happy days are here again! |
[May. 15th, 2005|11:32 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | optimistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "We Didn't Start the Fire" | ] |
It seems patience and determination are paying off again.
Work: My temp status seems to be on the way out! I recieved word this last week that I should be getting an offer by the end of the month and this time it's actually true. Due to corporate policies, any position must be posted internally for at least 10 business days after it's been approved. Up til now we've been waiting for it to be approved. We're now waiting for the 10 business days. :):) Keep in mind, though, that just because I have an offer doesn't mean I have the job. I still have to go through the application process, but that'll be a breeze considering I've been there for 6 months now.
Fire: After much waiting and grumbling I've finally gotten an application to another department. The down side for you folks, if you're still even checking on me, is that means even less time to spend online once I get on. Perhaps once I get my own place I'll be able to get online more.
Living situation: Still with my parents, but once I get on perminant I should be able to start looking for a place. I met a guy in a coffee shop that is on a local fire department that also has rental houses. He's the first person I'm talking to.
Love life: Still not up for public discussion. :p
Well, that pretty well sums it all up. If you still check this thing, and you made it this far, I thank you. I promise, at some point I will be able to be here more often.
And Marius, chin up, hon! If I can pull myself out of the hell hole I was in less than a year ago then anything's possible! |
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| I really am alive! I promise! |
[Apr. 9th, 2005|04:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | optimistic | ] |
I'm so sorry, guys! I've been so incredibly busy lately that I'm doing good to just check my email once a week, let alone do much else online when I'm not at work. On the bright side, though, it appears that all my hard work will soon start paying off :
Work:
I'm still temp as a customer service rep for a company called EDS that runs Kansas Medicaid. I started out as clerical for them, but have been on the phones full time for about 5 weeks now while still being at clerical pay (about $1 an hour difference). I found out yesterday that my supervisor contacted the temp agency and let them know (finally!) and my pay has been increased as well as being promised retro pay back those 5 weeks. *happy dance* Also, it looks like I'll be offered a perminant position before the end of the month. Happy birthday to me!! I've been there 5 months and most people are there 3 or less before they're offered. I think I've been close to beyond patient.
Home:
I'm still living with my parents, but after I'm perminant I'll be making enough to have rent close to 500 a month and still have money left at the end of the month after bills. Hello independence!! I can't wait. I've been 'nesting' that last month or so to get ready for it. I think my parents are worried, but they should have figured out by now that this was comming. lol
Department:
I've been without a fire department for about 6 months now and it's driving me NUTS. I may have found one, though. I find out next week if they'll approve an out-of-county applicant. The guy I talked to is an assistant cheif and his words were, "I've been there 15 years. I can talk them into it, if need be." So evidently I made a big impression on him yesterday. :):) I'm beyond excited. This is my calling. It's almost like a religion, though not exactly. To quote First Knight, "In serving eachother, we become free."
Love life:
Some things are best left offline. :p
Free time:
I've been reading a lot. Other than hanging with friends, that's really about it.
Well, that's been my life in a nutshell. Things are definately looking up and I'm no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop. If it does, then I'll just pick it back up and go on. If anyone wants to know more, you should know how to get ahold of me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 26th, 2005|09:02 am] |
Okay, Love, I'm up for the challenge :p
Advanced Global Personality Test Results | Extraversion | |||||||||| | 40% | | Stability | |||||||||||| | 46% | | Orderliness | |||||||||||||| | 60% | | Empathy | |||||||||||||||||||| | 90% | | Interdependence | |||||||||||||||||||| | 83% | | Intellectual | |||||||||||| | 43% | | Mystical | |||||||||||||||| | 70% | | Artistic | || | 10% | | Religious | |||||| | 30% | | Hedonism | |||||| | 30% | | Materialism | || | 10% | | Narcissism | |||||| | 23% | | Adventurousness | |||||||||||||||||| | 76% | | Work ethic | |||||||||||||||||| | 76% | | Self absorbed | |||||||||| | 36% | | Conflict seeking | |||| | 16% | | Need to dominate | || | 10% | | | Romantic | |||||||||||| | 50% | | Avoidant | |||||| | 30% | | Anti-authority | |||||||||||| | 43% | | Wealth | |||||| | 23% | | Dependency | || | 10% | | Change averse | |||||||||||||| | 56% | | Cautiousness | |||||||||||||||||| | 76% | | Individuality | |||||| | 23% | | Sexuality | |||||| | 30% | | Peter pan complex | |||||| | 30% | | Physical security | |||||||||||||||||||| | 90% | | Food indulgent | || | 10% | | Histrionic | |||||||||||| | 43% | | Paranoia | |||||| | 30% | | Vanity | |||| | 16% | | Hypersensitivity | |||||||||||||||||||| | 83% | | Female cliche | |||||||||||| | 43% | |
| trait snapshot: changeable, in the middle, suspicious, somewhat traditional, dislikes chaos, down to earth, group oriented, practical... you scored in the middle on the overall factors of this test. Take Free Advanced Global Personality Testpersonality tests by similarminds.comSo I'm the middle of the road kind of girl. I like that. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 27th, 2005|10:02 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Ode to Dryer | ] |
Wow!! So this is what my house looks like! In the last 3 weeks I haven't worked less than 50 hours so I do apologize for not being around much. Hopefully I'll be going permanent soon, but I'm not expecting that to happen before my birthday. I've been told "We're working on it... it should happen soon!" for so long I expect very little. I know it'll happen, it's simply a matter of waiting it out. As soon as that happens I'll be finding a place of my own and out the door within a month. I'm still saving up the money for the deposits... On the plus side, though, I'll have a bed when it all happens :):). I'm now up to 2 pieces of furniture: a bed and a couch. This is a good thing, folks. Considering before Friday I was going to have to be sleeping on the floor until Mom got the couch that she's convinced herself she owes me, this is wondrous news. In theory, I'll also have a computer at the time too. I'm working on convincing my Dad to buy me one and then I pay him back in 6 or 8 monthly installments. As soon as I settle on the computer I want and get the final price of it, this should work out as well. Granted, I'll have nothing to put my TV and computer on in my new apartment except boxes, but that'll come all in due course.
In short, yes I'm alive and no I don't know when I'll be online more. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 4th, 2005|08:53 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Kitten purrrrs | ] |
Valentines day... yet another holiday that is completely pointless. If you're an ass the rest of the year, being nice and romantic this once doesn't make up for it. It shouldn't be a requirement to be romantic on demand. It should happen because you *want* it to, not because society demands it from you. It's the little every day things that count, anyway. Taking out the trash, giving lots of hugs, helping with dinner, doing dishes, holding doors, linking arms, etc. The things you do simply because you adore the other person, not because you have to. Why is this so hard for people to understand? Am I strange, or just single on the most romantic day of the year? |
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| Workaholic? |
[Jan. 22nd, 2005|08:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  exhausted | ] |
I've only worked 46 hours this week.... why am I being called a workaholic? I just know what I need to do in order to achieve my dreams. Save up some serious money to move out, work out as much as possible to get on the fire department, change my eating habbits to accomodate for a healthier lifestyle... Just because I put in 10 hours a day at work, go to the gym for about an hour and a half to two hours, go home, eat, shower, and go to bed. It's not that hard, really.
Okay, this entry doesn't make any sence, but I'm exahusted so cut me some slack :p |
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| Much Pain... |
[Jan. 16th, 2005|05:16 pm] |
Ouch...
I've been going to the gym w/ my trainers for a week now... twice for upper and twice for lower. With that alone, I'm sore as hell. Add the fact that I gave blood yesterday then tried to do upper body today and my left arm (where they put the needle) is still weak. On top of that, I fell on the ice yesterday. Luckily there was a nice soft curb to stop my fall right at my hip...
It was strange, though. I woke up this morning thinking "I'm not going...I hurt too badly...I can't do this...etc" Just about the time that I got to the "Why am I bothering" portion, I heard them. I heard sirens. Almost as if they were answering my self-doubt and flat out laziness, they belted out their chorus. Then something inside me started yelling at me. "I don't care how much you hurt or how tired you are. That is why you bother." That was all the reminder I need.
Every time I hear a siren, I'm reminded of why I want to do this so badly. It's a constant reminder of what I'm missing in my life. I so desperately need to be a part of that again it's almost torture. If you've ever been in a wreck, you know exactly why I want to do this job so badly. You've just been through a terrifying experience (no matter how minor, accidents always scare the hell out of you), you've dialed 911 and are told the calvary's on it's way. You stand there still shaking off the shock of what's just happened trying to remember what you're supposed to do, and then you hear them. The sound alone is enough to calm you a little. Enough to remember you're supposed to exchange info with the other person, at least. They're coming to help, that's all that matters to you. Then you see the truck and all of a sudden everything is going to be all right. Their faces are serious, but their eyes.... so much compassion in them. So much concern. This is what it means to be a fire fighter. You're held to a higher standard because you're willing to care about humanity in a world that's forgotten what kindness is. I was called to change the world, one person at a time; to fight for those who can no longer fight for themselves; to find those who've lost their way in the dark; to love those who have never been loved before; to be remembered simply by the horse that carries me to the pain and never by my face. This is my purpose in life. This is why I bother. |
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